I think it's safe to say that I'm feeling darker than I've ever felt in my life. 

This is not good

the inability to talk, the sworn to secrecy

I can't abide it

I've got to go

Well, it's over.  Ernie's Dad passed away about 8pm this evening.  We had to wait almost 2 hours for the hospice nurse to come prounounce him at 10:14pm.  She was very nice, and helped to get the Red Cross involved in letting Emma be able to come home for the funeral and calling hours.  We go tommorow to make the actual arrangements and will know at that point when the calling hours and funeral will be.

I'm exhausted and I guess I'll sleep at some point.  Ernie's watching TV and having some port.

So Ernie's Dad is here at home again.  We have him on hospice.  We are keeping him as comfortable as we can.  They wrote a prescription at the hospital for morphine capsules.  what's wrong with that?  HE CAN'T SWALLOW...HE WENT IN THE HOSPITAL WITH ASPIRATION PNEUMONIA YOU DUMB ASS.  Are we not familiar with the liquid form of any medication?  Especially sublingual?

anyways...

He is pretty much incoherent.  without the morphine because we can't give him it for the aforementioned reason.  And very restless.  I gave him a xanax dissolved in a very tiny amount of warm water and he was able to take that with a minimum of coughing.  He's resting now and not trying to throw the covers off or fly out of bed.  Not that it matters if he does fall out of bed, he'd been doing that very nicely for two weeks previous to this one.

I just want to be able to not feel the need to run in there and rescue superman from attempting to leap tall buildings in a single bound or whatever he's doing. 

I'm fucking tired, I miss my Mom, my daughter is mad at me for reasons I can't divulge here and her friend is too.  I seem to be losing things at every turn.

blah.

He called an ambulance and had his father brought to the hospital. He's got the geriatric trifecta - pneumonia/dehydration/urinary tract infection. Ernie has to make a decision tommorow to treat him agressively and be back again in about 2 weeks with another bout of pneumonia or to send him home with nursing care or put him on hospice.

We don't have the money to pay for hospice as it is not covered by his insurance, but nurses in the home are.

Check please...

Thanks, Grandpa is still with us, but somewhere else.  He's taking minimal fluids and I'm doing comfort care.  If he is still with us tommorow morning I'm going to call the Dr. for a hospice order and to solidify a DNR/DNI order for him as well.  Ernie still thinks that he can get better.  I keep reminding him that this will not happen.  I feel horrible for him because he can't do anything for his Dad.

Thank you for the hugs and prayers for my Mom! We're now facing the possiblity of Grandpa's imminent death. He isn't able to take anything by mouth without choking and has aspirated. Ernie is calling some relatives and will maybe call an ambulance to see about getting some guidance with comfort care. IMO, he looks fairly comfortable but Ernie is really sweating the "nothing he can do part".

I want to thank everyone for all their prayers and support for my family and I. My wonderful Mother passed away at 8:30 this morning. She was a loving and giving person and I miss her.

I got a call this morning that my Mother is not expected to live out the week. 

Emma let me know last night that her fiance called off the engagement.  Apparently her having friends was not part of his equation. 

My week is expected to get progressively worse.

Hoo-rah.

Such sweetness tempered with unbridled

lust.

A need, a drive something that cannot be quenched

a need once met is immediately again in full flame

Times will be as they will be, fullfilling and intense

but they will be...

It's that time of year where the gardens I worked so hard at neglecting need to have some stuff pulled up and out.  My kingdom for a hunky gardener to help me out, lol

I'm trying to come here and write more often, I have stuff going on and it's a lof of different types of stuff.  Things I just have to deal with.  Let's see, I'll do some updating for some of you that have been reading along with me for several years. 

My daughter Emma completed her first year in the army in August.  Exciting year to say the least!  She recently completed her language training and became engaged to a fellow soldier.  He is currently in a place of conflict.  Not sure I want to write his location.  I'll just keep it at that and if you watch the news you can probably assume he has something to do with one of those places.  lol  She's doing ok with him being deployed.  She's thinking that she maybe deployed sometime early next year. But you never know until pretty much before you're going.  We'll get to see her on pre-deployment leave so I'll sob all over her then.   

Chase is an official High Schooler now.  Also he is taking classes at the vo-tech for masonry!  Very cool!  His attitude is now becoming more of a normal teenager.  Like all of a sudden I'm just a ragging mama machine instead of Mommy.  Sigh.  It was bound to happen, I just have to spend more time with attitude adjustments with him because he is particularly fixed in his outlooks.

George is officially a teenager, lol.  Attitude is horrendous, but we are guiding him as he experiences this fight for his indivividuality and independance.  I know for a fact I could have it much worse.  Doesn't mean I'm going to let him off easy for pulling shit on us. 

GrandPa turned 89 on Sept 20th.  Still hanging in there, but as with previous years he is doing less and less.  He can only sit up in his chair to be fed and has to have oxygen to maintain is sats.  He requires total care in order to keep him in fair shape.  He remains a DNR/DNH.

As for me, well. work is sparse with this agency but I'm completeing paperwork to join a new one.  I've signed up for a course to prep me to be more marketable for working in a medical office.  There are some other things that I have going on, but don't want to write about them here.  But trust me, they are sweet! 

Love you guys!