How ya’all been?

Emma told us today that she is going to Iraq sometime in August.  We knew that she was going to be deployed.  It’s just going to be really hard not to be able to see her as often as we have been.  She is coming for a weekend soon, the week after next.  After she has her pre-deployment leave we won’t see her for another year.  That’s going to suck.

My feelings seem to grow in a parasitic way.  from deep within me. like greedy needy children, reaching for me  Crying out for me to acknowledge them.  While all the while I am told not to look within myself for the source of my pain.

I wander in a way that is only familiar to those that are dying, wondering where I will rest.  Who will claim me. 

Those that have loved me are gone.  No longer here to give me comfort and relief.

I am left to navigate on my own.

without signs, without guidance

Hey, I haven’t forgotten about my blog, just so much going on to process into a readable format, lol.

 

I haven’t been reading as many blogs as I used to either.  I have really been digging Dear Ricky though.  Wow!  I’d love to meet him and give him a great big hug, plus I think guys in wheel chairs are impossibly hot~

 

I’ll check in when my mind isnt behaving as a whirling dervish. 

 

Love you all!

 

 

Happy Birthday Nigel!!! 

 

 

I’m so glad that God gave you to us, you’ve been a true light in my life!  We all love you very much!

My daughter’s fiance posted a new facebook profile picture. Why am I singing the theme to The Graduate?????

With the whole being friends with Eric thing.  He hasn’t shut me out entirely and that’s good!

He and I got to have another long talk on Friday night after they got here.  A lot more clarity and a few hugs.  And you know what?  It’s still really nice.  I still have a friend and that’s great. 

They will be here with us for Thanksgiving, he’s going to bring a turkey to deep fry!  Mmmmmm!!!  I will probably also have a ham and need to get on the stick and plan some other menu items….

 

On the marriage front, well, we’re doing ok.  Not great, but we have talked about things.  Ernie is saying he is going to make more of an effort to take care of himself and lose weight.  I hope so, I might be frustrated with him but I don’t want him dying before he really should.  I figure if we both live to our eighties, then we can have a duel and go out in a poof of old gunpowder and mini-balls.  lol    We both have had significant losses in the last month or so and to have us both grieving like this is, well, less than optimal.  He’s still pretty mad at me for talking to my daughter about our problems.  I admit to fucking up royally there, because she went and bought me a  “toy” from the adult bookstore.  I kinda had to tell him why, but not the whole story why.

 

I remain the imperfect person I was born….alive to conquer yet another day…sigh.

Ok, so Eric is someone that I was having a short term affair with.  We both knew it was pretty much going to be a FTF situation.  He was in an open relationship with someone else.  It just happened that we found that we were attracted to each other, but not really wanting to have a quote unquote “relationship”.  It’s a long involved story and I just don’t feel like going into its entirety. 

So now that’s over, and on top of losing my Mom, losing my FIL, I have lost an affair.  I’m feeling a bit lost as I’ve never navigated this sort of thing before.  At this point we are still friends.  Which is good.  I don’t lose out entirely.  I just have to be careful what I say to him about his girlfriend.  Who decided that she wanted to not have an open relationship anylonger.  To which he agreed and broke up with another woman he was involved with also.  Just in time for the girlfriend to spend two nights at this fellows house that she was in an open relationship with.  Enter heartbreak.  He almost broke it off entirely with this girl.  And the sad thing is I’m disappointed that he didn’t.  I just wanted a bit more time to enjoy the situation.  It is something that has been missing from my life for a good ten years or so. 

I know there are people reading this that are going to be rather disappointed in my behavior.  Guess what?  I beat you to it!  I can’t even promise that I won’t let it happen again.  But this is the root of a lot of issues between my daughter and I, and her friend.

*sigh*

Ok, the weekend eventually got better.

 I needed to be having a talk with Eric and hadn’t been able to privately. It was always one too many people around and I finally got a chance to.

So things are better, lol. The kids carved their pumpkins, we had calling hours for Ernie’s Dad and it wasn’t horrible.

Today was the funeral and it wasn’t so awful. 

On tap for tommorow is hopefully a new start of a new normalcy.

 

Yeah, you’re wondering why I had to talk to Eric didn’t you?  For another blog…